You’ve likely heard all about the importance of vulnerability in being a leader.  

Vulnerability is the ability to acknowledge a mistake, to admit a weakness, to ask for help when you need it, even to put a crazy idea out there. Most importantly, you need to know that you can be vulnerable without fear of judgment.  

Vulnerability is a crucial ingredient in allowing teams to perform at an epic level. 

Most leaders say that they want a high level of openness and honesty on their teams, yet the up-undermining vulnerability.  

Leaders frequently allow these three actions to kill vulnerability. 

#1: Confusing “being supportive”… with “being efficient.”

When someone comes to you with a project they’re struggling with, what do you do?  

The natural tendency is to be efficient in solving the problem and say, “Thank you so much for being so vulnerable!  Now let me take that away from you and give it to someone else more capable.”  

Reassigning ownership discourages vulnerability. You’ve taken away something that your team members enjoyed and wanted to be successful.  Now they won’t have that chance.

Instead of efficiency, be supportive.  Ask how you can help, and don’t assume that changing owners is the answer. 

I worked with a CEO recently who had someone on the team who was having some real challenges.

I coached the CEO that instead of jumping in with a solution, to respond with, “You still own this.  What can we all do to help?” This led the executive team to a fantastic conversation that allowed them to all pitch in with their input and expertise, while still encouraging her to keep going.

Read more about asking good questions

#2: Fostering a spirit of internal competition.

I get it. You have a competitive spirit.

Your competitiveness likely contributed to your successes.

You want to crush your competitors, and you want people on your team to have that same attitude.

But competitiveness pushed too far becomes the enemy of great collaboration by encouraging the focus on individual goals, individual owners, and personal achievement.

Read more about competing priorities

3:  Setting clear expectations … and not telling anyone

Lack of clarity around what the leader expects is one of the biggest detractors to vulnerability on a team. 

Lack of clarity invites fear into the party, and fear brings along defensiveness.  

Be transparent, explicit, and clear.  

On a truly great team, everyone knows exactly where they stand at any particular point in time.  

The very best leaders that I’ve worked with have been able to improve trust and vulnerability with their teams by consistently holding them accountable to their expectations.  

Sometimes that requires giving them what we call the “kind truth.”

It’s easy to be nice, but sometimes being kind means being honest. 

Read more about communicating with clarity

Final Thoughts

Even great leaders will occasionally slip up and negatively impact vulnerability on their teams.  

It happens.  

We’re human.  

But, interestingly enough, so are the rest of your teammates.  

Encourage vulnerability, and you’ll be sure to get the most of every one of them.

When a new leader begins their role they often get a surprise.

They’re shocked at the time it takes to manage personal and professional relationships at work.

Their success can come down to seeing the warning signs and having the skills to deal with them.

Until you’ve actually been a leader, it’s tricky to develop the specific leadership skills and qualities you need to be effective. To help you get there faster, here are five signs your leadership skills could use some work—and what you can do about it. 

Surprise #1: You really can’t run everything.  

A leader doesn’t need to have a toe dipped in every single pool at work. Sure, you want to know what’s going on and be consulted when necessary. But trying to run everything single-handedly will ultimately lead to burnout, making mistakes, and ineffective leadership.

There are a few instances when micromanaging can be a useful tactic. Learn about them here.

Here are some warning signs you’re trying to run too many things as a leader:

• You are in too many meetings and involved in too many tactical discussions.
• There are too many days when you feel as though you have lost control over your time.

Surprise #2: You learn there’s a price to giving orders.

New leaders are often surprised to find they pay a price for being the one to give orders. Often, this is shown in how their relationships can change with coworkers. 

Here are some warning signs to look out for:

• You have become the bottleneck.
• Employees are overly inclined to consult you before they act.
• People start using your name to endorse things, as in, “Stephanie says…”

Surprise #3: You don’t know what’s going on.

Remember how we talked about being too involved in every project, decision, or discussion? There’s another side to that, and it involves being too distant from all of these things and missing important details and information.

Here are some warning signs you don’t know what’s going on at work:

• You keep hearing things that surprise you.
• You learn about events after the fact.
• You hear concerns and dissenting views through the grapevine rather than directly.

Surprise #4: You’re always on display.

As a leader, you’re bound to face the spotlight more often than you did in your previous roles. This feeling of “always being on display” is often a surprise to new leaders. 

Warning signs:

• Employees circulate stories about your behavior that magnify or distort reality.
• People around you act as if they’re trying to anticipate your likes and dislikes.

Surprise #5: You feel like you’re on shifting ground.

New leaders don’t always feel the stability and security they expected to in their new role. 

Be on the lookout for these warning signs:

• You don’t know where you stand with your boss or board.
• Roles and responsibilities between your boss or board are not clear.
• The discussions in board or executive meetings are limited mostly to reporting on results and decisions.

Implications on your leadership.

These ‘five surprises’ have tremendous implications on how a new leader should perform their role.

First: Learn to manage strategically rather than focusing on daily operations. Strategic, effective leadership, not diving into the details, can be a jarring transition.

One client, a CEO, said that he initially felt like the company’s “most useless executive,” despite holding all the power.

He needed to learn how to act in indirect ways by:

• setting and communicating strategy,
• putting sound processes in place,
• selecting and mentoring key people who create conditions to help others make the right choices.

At the same time, he needed to learn how to set the tone and define the organization’s culture and values through his words and actions—in other words, demonstrate how employees should behave. To do this, he needed to learn the right leadership skills.

Second: Leaders must recognize that a position does not automatically give the right to lead, nor does it guarantee loyalty.

Leaders must perpetually earn and maintain the moral authority to lead. CEOs can quickly lose their legitimacy if:

• their vision is unconvincing,
• if their actions are inconsistent with the values they espouse, or
• if their self-interest appears to trump the welfare of the organization.

They must realize that success ultimately depends on the ability to enlist voluntary commitment rather than forced obedience—and yes, it takes certain leadership skills and leadership qualities to do so.

By the way, you won’t want to miss these 3 important things to remember on your first day as a new leader. 

Mastering the conventional tools of effective leadership and management may lead to the promotion or appointment of a leader, but these tools alone will not keep you there.

Before you commence your leadership role, ask yourself WHY you want to be a leader in the first place. 

Finally, it’s essential that the leader maintains humility, and must not get absorbed in the role.

Even if others think you are omnipotent, you are only human.

Failing to recognize this will lead to arrogance, exhaustion, and a shortened tenure.

By maintaining a personal balance and staying grounded, an effective leader can achieve the perspective required to make decisions in the interest of the organization and its long-term prosperity.

If you’re interested in going deeper or moving your career to the next level, you’ll also want to have a look at my 1-on-1 coaching services.

If you enjoyed this article, be sure to check these out, too:

How One Word Can Damage Workplace Culture

9 Stupid Management Practices (and what to do instead)

The 6T’s To Know What To Delegate

This article was originally published on November 25, 2018, and has been updated.

Leaders are traditionally the ones who provide answers, not ask questions.

Good leaders are into questioning.

They know it’s important.

But often,  they do not act on the information they gather by questioning, nor are they spreading it throughout the organization.

Before you go too far asking questions of others, start with yourself and then your leadership team.

Use the following discussion guide based on the work of Jeff Grimshaw, Tanya Mann, Lynne Viscio, and Jennifer Landis to prompt thought and conversation on why you are a leader.

What you can do with this

You can print it, read it, share it, and discuss it.

How to use this material

Introduce. Discuss. Remind. Encourage.

That’s my recommended approach to helping people commit and develop.

And once you’ve done the introduction piece (e.g., introduce ideas or concepts), those last three points should be an ongoing thing as long as someone is on your team or in your department … and maybe for those special few, even when they go somewhere else (be a mentor).

I recommend reading and discussing each of the categories with your team each week.

Each can be read in less than 3 minutes and discussed in 10 – 15 minutes.

How to prepare

Share one with your team and schedule a time for discussion.

Or, share the guide with your department leaders and have them facilitate smaller discussions.

Ask everyone to read and consider each of the questions.

Ask them to make notes on anything they find valuable or disagree with.

On your own, make your notes, and answer the questions you intend to ask or give.

Give some quick thought to any likely objections or challenges to the material you can anticipate from your group. (Who might ask what and how do you want to respond?)

Here is one idea to introduce your upcoming discussions in person or by email – edit to fit your style:           

“I came across a few thought-inspiring questions that had a big impact on me. I thought we all might benefit from talking about them over the next few weeks – one a week.

Each question can be dealt with within a matter of minutes. Please read each one and give some advance thought to it. Make notes on anything that connects or resonates with you.

Let’s kick off next week and meet in the conference room on Monday morning at 8:00 for 30 minutes, at most.

I believe the effort will be good for our work, but it might be helpful to each of us personally.”

Discussion tips

• Smile and be enthusiastic.
• Avoid interrupting or finishing someone’s answer to them. Add a small gap of silence to an answer – just a beat or two – allowing someone to expand on something or minimizing someone’s feeling that they need to rush through their answer.
• When you feel someone might have more value to add, encourage them with a “How do you mean, Nancy?” or “Can you expand on that?” or “What happened next?”
• Invite different people to contribute to the discussion and have different people lead the talks each week.
• Be ready to help the discussion move on if someone takes too much control of it. (“Good point, Bob. If we have time in the end, let’s come back to this.”)

The Discussion Guide:

How do I make decisions and actions

1. What are some ways you or other leaders effectively “role model what you want to see more of”?
2. Some people argue that “if it costs you nothing, it’s not a ‘value.’” What are some values you want to stand for, even if it costs you something or is inconvenient?

What you reward and recognize

3. How consistently do you reward what you want to see more of? In your culture, what are some ways that you “reward A while hoping for B”? What are the consequences?
4. How can you more effectively leverage your greatest source of power? (The power to change the way people feel?)

What you tolerate (or don’t)

5. Leaders are defined by what they tolerate, what have you tolerated that you shouldn’t?
6. What excuses have you used to rationalize your leadership choices? What’s the long-term cost?
7. How can you be smarter about what you do tolerate? In the long-run, how is that likely to pay off?

How you show up informally

8. What are some examples in your culture of leaders effectively “showing up”?
9. In your culture, do you operate more from a creative mindset or a reactive mindset? What, if anything, does being reactive cost you and your culture?
10. In your culture, does fear and egos get in the way of having real conversations, confronting problems, exchanging feedback, and innovating? How can you “change the conversation”?

Formal communication

11. How effectively do you use official communication to boost your messages?
12. What are some ways that the signals transmitted as formal communication are inconsistent with your other communication efforts?

Turning culture into a competitive advantage

13. Is your current culture more of an asset or a liability? Is it boosting performance—or “eating your strategy for breakfast”? How do you know?
14. In your culture, do leaders broadcast consistent formal communication? What is an example of signals getting crossed?
15. What do you believe to be the gaps between the culture you have and the culture you need? (What’s your evidence?)
16. If you move the needle on culture, how will you know it?

*Based on the average Canadian salary of $51,000

Intuitively we know that having a poor performer on your team will cost money in lower production, inter-personal conflict, extra supervision.

Shockingly, a poor performer who is enthusiastic and is personally likable stays employed on average 18-months longer than if they were not liked.

Imagine taking $76,500* and lighting it on fire just because you enjoy the enthusiastic warmth it gives off.

That is what you are doing by paying someone for 18-months just because you like them.

What do you do?

You can follow the Servant Leadership model or the Netflix model.

The Servant Leader Model

Recently Ken Blanchard of the Greenleaf Centre addressed the problems leaders face when employees “won’t do” what is expected of them.

Blanchard defines a “won’t do” problem as one when, despite being given the tools, the person doesn’t have the desire to change his or her behaviour and that there is a cost to your organization.

Read my thoughts on servant leadership

In the Servant Leader model, you give your poor performer every opportunity to improve, and when you know that they understand what you expect but still won’t do it, it may be time to “share them with the competition.”

The implications of the Servant Leader approach to the ‘won’t do’ employee means taking time to assess a person’s mindset and skill set correctly, develop performance management plans and manage the risk in letting someone go.

All of this cost money, time and the opportunity costs when you are focused on the poor performer when your time could be better spent with you higher potential employees.

The Netflix Model

When Netflix has someone who cannot or will not do their jobs as they expected, they choose to limit the cost quickly.

Like pulling a Band-Aid off.

In a recent podcast interview with Alex Blumberg and Patty McCord Netflix’s past Chief HR Officer she explained: Once they recognized there wasn’t a fit, they would knock on the door and say, “I think you’ve gotten kind of the vibe that I’m not particularly happy about the way things are going.”

If the employee disagrees or isn’t expecting the conversation, they say “Okay, so I haven’t been very clear about that. So here’s the team that I’m trying to build. And I need to have people that understand the technical people and understand what they’re. And unfortunately, you are not a fit.

Read about having tough conversations

The Netflix approach is to let you have three months of severance already in your pocket, instead of wasting that three months of time for you, the person and the rest of the team.

McCord recommends that instead of developing a 90-day performance improvement plan where once a week, she is going to sit down with the poor performer and prove that they are incompetent in writing. So not only is the employee and the supervisor miserable, because we both know it’s a farce. 

Conclusion

When dealing with poor performers, you need to do what is right for you and your organization.

And I understand that you may face HR policies or collective agreements that may trip you up.

Read about spending the right time in the right place

But do you want to waste your time, the employee’s life and all that money when you already know the right thing to do?

There was a great commercial out a few years back.

Picture a sepia hued scene set in Abraham and Mrs. Lincoln’s a parlour room. Mrs. Lincoln was showing off her new Sunday-Best dress when she says to ‘Honest Abe:’ “Does this dress make me look fat?” Honest Abe, stares at the floor nervously turning his stovepipe hat in his hands as he tries to decide what the right response might be.

Bosses are human beings like the rest of us and, unless you are a sociopath, who wants to hurt the ones we love, like and care for. So we are in good company when we tell white lies to avoid upsetting people.

But what do you say when an employee asks about a situation where your organization is involved with a sensitive negotiation? Or, they get wind of a layoff or some other decision that will impact their lives?

Read how not to Eff up talking to your people

The groundwork for situations like these must be laid well in advance. You must build trust by explaining every decision you make in an open and transparent manner. You do this so that when the time comes and you can’t be transparent, people will trust because you have proven yourself trustworthy.

When the inevitable question comes up that you are not able to answer, here are the 2 responses you need to know:

• I don’t know,

or

• I can’t say.

If you don’t know, say so. People know BS when they hear it, so don’t BS. Simply respond that you don’t know the answer, but you will find the answer. Give them a date when you will get back to them and then meet that commitment even if you can only report that you are still working on it.

Sometimes you can’t say. The issue may well be confidential, so say these words: ‘I can’t say’ and add a brief explanation. For example, when asked about lay off rumours that you know are based in fact, respond by saying: ‘I can’t say. The company is making plans to deal with the economic downturn and when they are finalized we will be making an announcement. But there will be no changes before Oct 31.’

Read how to communicate in tough times

These answers are seldom fully satisfactory, but they are the truth, and you will be respected for the answer.

But for heavens sake, don’t get caught staring at the ground fiddling with your hat and trying to get out of trouble.

Arthur Brooks is one of my favourite thinkers and writers.

Though we have never met, I would love the opportunity to sit, enjoy a meal and a fine scotch with him, just for the sheer joy of the conversation. 

Brooks believes that America is being torn apart, but the problem isn’t one of incivility, intolerance, or even anger.

He says the problem is contempt.

Defines as the conviction that those who disagree with us are not just wrong, but worthless.

Arthur Brooks explains why contempt is so destructive and offers three rules to follow to overcome contempt with warm-heartedness in our own lives.

Read about being kind as a boss

He offers practical suggestions for how to fight back against the culture of contempt.

Here are three to get you started:

1. Practice the 5 to 1 rule. Offer five positive and encouraging comments for every one criticism, especially on social media. You’ll be amazed at how changing this one aspect of your interactions with others improves public discourse.

2. Stand up for people who aren’t in the room. It’s easier than ever to bash the people who disagree with us, but it only foments contempt. If your friends who agree with you start mocking people who disagree with you, don’t be a jerk, but stand up for those not represented.

3. Ask yourself who in your life you’ve treated with contempt, and make amends. Contempt creates a vicious cycle, but by acknowledging how you have hurt others with mockery or dismissiveness, you’ll be able to repair relationships.

Brook’s details all of this and more in a short, animated video about why contempt is so destructive and what we can do to fight back against it today. You can watch it here: https://youtu.be/8dv1ORTvm8w

What about you?

Where can you demonstrate warm-heartedness in our own life?