Category Talking To Your People

How to Deal with A Boss with Zero Emotional Intelligence

For most of my career emotions were something to be avoided like the plague.

Emotions were acceptable only when a bone was sticking out of you.

The only undeniable truth in life is that we are human and by definition we are emotional.

Our partners, children and even our pets sense our emotion and learn how to respond when we are sick, happy, sad or distracted.

read about sharing information

But what about work?

To work with people with low Emotional Intelligence, you need to learn how to communicate differently.

You might already know that emotional intelligence can influence your job success, but what can you do if your boss comes off as an emotional void?

Don’t panic, the situations more hopeful than you think.

But brace yourself have to have an awkward conversation.

What is EI?

When you say that your boss has low EI, it could mean:

• that she’s unconsciously cruel – think The Devil Wears Prada; or,
• he doesn’t know what their team needs to do their best work – think ‘The only time no is an OK answer is when you if asked if you have had enough.’

If your boss has low EI, they struggle to read your emotions.

They miss the non-verbal communications you are naturally sending them.

Alternatively, someone with high EI will have four skills. They:

• Accurately read their own emotions: they can perceive the emotions with their and the experiences of others.
• Use passion to facilitate thinking: if they need quiet to focus, they put themselves in a calm place
• Understand how emotions progress: they know irritation leads to frustration, which inevitably leads to rage
• Regulate their feelings: they don’t become overwhelmed by their feelings

EI doesn’t equal being good!

EI is not about virtuousness: it’s more about being able to understand your and others’ interior lives and how your actions and environments affect them. To work well with people with low EI, then, you need to accommodate that misapprehension.

 “Emotions are information, people who are low in EI are lacking the ability to take in, understand, or process a critical part of the way that we communicate in the world.

 If they can’t read your emotions, they won’t be getting all the info you’re naturally sending them.

 They’re missing this information, so you have to clarify.”

 –    Professor Sigal Barsade: University of Pennsylvania

So, what do you do?

 Book an appointment with your boss. Then you can follow this framework for sensitive conversations using the 4 F’s:

1. First: When you make the appointment, say that you want to have a conversation that will be valuable to your working relationship
2. Facts: Begin the meeting by retelling what happened for each of you
3. Feelings: Tell the impact that the meeting had on you
4. Future: Help each other figure out what you could do differently and what can be done by everybody to address the situation

Don’t forget to end on a high note: share why it’s such a good thing you two had the conversation.

By facing your bosses low IE with a conversation like this, you can help people to see that information that’s before them.

Read about partnering with your boss

It is questionable if ‘No’ is a full sentence, but it is a terrible answer to give another human being.

Whether you are a parent, a spouse or a boss, saying “no” to others isn’t always easy.

But it’s a message that can be delivered with kindness.

Kindness to yourself, and the people around you.

Think about it.

Do you want to go out for coffee with a mentor who’s stretched to the max and resentful?

Do you want your star employee to stay silent if she’s drowning in too many projects?

Of course not.

You want the people you care about to be happy and sane! Those people must also include you. Saying no doesn’t limit your opportunities either — it opens you up to the right ones.

Read about using silence as a conversation tool

It’s not just about the words you use, but how you say them. If you want to say no with grace and compassion, keep these tips in mind:

Be Quick – Saying no doesn’t get more comfortable if you wait. Respond as quickly as makes sense — it’s a sign of respect and gives you peace of mind.

Be Polite – Thank them for thinking of you and, if appropriate, congratulate them.

Give AN Alternative – If you can’t do it, ask how else you can contribute.

Give The Reason – Research shows that the word “because” makes people more likely to do something. It softens the blow and provides context.

Don’t Lie – Whatever you say, be truthful. If you can’t be sincere, then don’t say anything besides a kind “no.”

Don’t Apologize – You can say that you’re sorry to miss the event or program, but don’t apologize for saying no. You haven’t done anything wrong.

Read about talk to your people when times are bad

HERE ARE 7 SCRIPTS YOU CAN START USING TODAY

HOW TO SAY NO TO YOUR BOSS WHEN YOU DON’ T HAVE THE TIME … I hear how important this is. Can we look at my current priorities together? There’s a lot in motion right now, and I want everything to be done right.

Why it works: “Can we look at my priorities?” shows that you’re on top of things. It also reminds your boss that there are consequences to shifting your focus.

HOW TO SAY NO TO YOUR BOSS WHEN YOU DON’ T AGREE … I don’t think we should move ahead with this strategy, but I do have another idea that might work way better to help our customers. Are you open to another perspective?”

Why it works: Instead of being disagreeable, propose an alternative, this proves you’re invested and committed to helping the team get the desired outcome.

HOW TO SAY NO WHEN YOU’RE OVERSTRETCHED AND OVERCOMMITTED … “I have to pass on this one. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and promised I wouldn’t take on any more commitments until I had a chance to get back on track.”

Why it works: It’s simple, truthful and transparent.

Read about too many priorities

HOW TO SAY NO TO HAVING YOUR BRAIN PICKED … Ask what they realy want.

Why it works: People ask because they need something, you can save time and still be helpful by merely asking what they want.

HOW TO SAY NO TO REQUESTS THAT ARE NOT YOUR AREA OF EXPERTISE …”Great idea, but I have to pass because the project falls outside of my expertise. What you need is a person who does X. Here are a few referrals to get you started:”

Why it works: Referrals are a fantastic way to support your client, grow your network and keep everyone working in their zone of genius.

HOW TO SAY NO TO CLIENTS WHEN YOUR SCHEDULE IS FULL … I have to pass because my schedule is full right now and I wouldn’t be able to give your project the attention it deserves.” Why it works: By calling out your inability to “do a good job,” you’re showing how much care you put into each project.

HOW TO SAY NO TO WHEN YOU’RE TOO BUSY: … “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not able to accept given my other commitments.”

One of the great pleasures of my life is having thoughtful conversations with children.

Being an Uncle and a friend of children relieves me of the parental relationship and creates openness and free-space to engage at a different level.

I love opening those conversations with gentle questions like: What did you learn at school today? Or, what surprised you today? Or, what happened when ‘X or Y’ happened?

I am not sure which came first, but I often used similar open-ended questions with members of my team. I learned more about what was going on at work by framing questions to find out if people understood why they were doing something over what they are doing.

Read more about asking why

I recently read a great post by Ozan Varol, where he related a story about a question from a parent asking how he could cultivate curiosity and critical thinking in his children. He responded with questions parents should ask instead to inspire a richer conversation, discovery information and inspire creative & critical thinking.

They reframed my opening questions, my challenge to you is: How can you use them in your workplace?

1. Instead of “What did you learn today?” Try “What did you disagree with today?”

“What did you learn in today?” reinforces the regurgitation of knowledge on demand.

By reframing the question, you can develop the ability to challenge the status quo and to question alternative facts and convenient lies.

2. Instead of “What did you accomplish this week?” Try “What did you fail at this week?”

We live in a society that stigmatizes failure. As children we don’t fail, we receive participation awards. Now as entrepreneurs – and quite weirdly – terms like ‘fail fast’ have become participation medals for adults.

Read more about the fallacy of successful failure

In asking What have you failed at this week gives people the breathing room to tackle problems and it creates space to reflect, learn, and improve on your next attempt.

3. Instead of “Here’s how you do that.” Try “How would you solve this problem?”

When an employee comes to us with a problem, resist the initial instinct to deliver a quick and efficient fix.

Let them find a solution on their own. The process involved in finding the answer is far more important than the answer itself.

4. Instead of “That’s just the way it is.” Try “Great question. Why don’t you figure out the answer?”

As children, we were masters at asking questions and were moved by genuine curiosity. The education system and workplace have beaten curiosity down because most questions have been settled because That’s just the way it is.

Instead of stifling your employee’s curiosity, encourage them to ask questions and remain curious through open-minded inquiry.

5. Instead of “You can’t do that.” Try “What would it take to do that?”

Don’t off-handedly dismiss ideas as crazy or infeasible. Imagine if a young Einstein had been silenced by a busy or annoyed boss.

Open possibilities instead of closing them off, encourage seemingly crazy ideas by engaging with your people in conversation.

6. Instead of “Did you make a sale today?” Try “How did you help someone today?”

The first question is superficial.

The second encourages forming meaningful connections and developing a spirit of generosity. It is a far better message to be on the lookout for opportunities to help others.

As a manager, the chances are that at one time you were an expert.

But as your career advanced, you were promoted to a job outside of your specialty. Your subordinates started asking questions that you couldn’t answer or even understood. How can you lead them when they know a lot more about their work than you do?

Welcome to reality.

Read about surviving as a leader

You are now the leader without expertise—and this is where you, possibly for the first time in your career, find yourself failing. You feel frustrated, tired and disoriented, even angry. What can you do?

First, resist your natural inclination to dive into the details so they can be an expert again.

What should you do instead? To succeed in this situation, you must learn and practice a generalist leadership style. Based on my work with leaders who have successfully made the transition, here are the four key skills to develop and practice:

1) Focus on relationships, not facts – The specialist focuses on facts and the generalist leader focuses on relationships. The specialist tells their staff the answer; the generalist brings them together find the answer.

How? The best tip for building relationships is to spend a lot of time, face to face, getting to know people as individuals. Constantly adapt your approach to the individual and the situation, and that means knowing people very, very well.

Read about how to listen to your people

2) Enabling things to happen, don’t do the work – As the expert, you make decisions based on your unique knowledge. As a generalist leader, you do not do the work directly, but you enable things to happen by knowing when to leave things alone and when to intervene. This isn’t easy because you have a broad array of responsibilities and you need to be able to tell where trouble lurks:

How?

• Sit in on meetings between a direct report and his subordinates. If the conversation is two-way, that’s a good sign. If the manager does all the talking and the subordinates are passive, it may be a sign you need to decide if the conversation is healthy.
• Get feedback from your network to see if your teams are delivering. If the feedback is negative, but the team leader insists everything is on track, there is a problem.

3) Practice seeing the bigger picture, not mastering the details – As a generalist, your value comes from being able to see the big picture better than others. The specialist lives heads-down, plotting a detailed course on a map, while the generalist leader is heads-up, looking around and noticing the reefs, icebergs and hazards on the horizon.

How? Start by focusing how a problem is affecting the people two levels below you and two levels above you. This tactic challenges you to think deeply, and develop a perspective that will make a real difference to the organization.

Surviving your first 90 days as a new boss

4) Rely on “executive presence” to project confidence, not on having all the answers –  It may be easier for the expert to project confidence as the facts and the facts speak for themselves. Where does the confidence come from as a generalist – you must draw on “executive presence” to inspire confidence in others.

How? Pay attention to how other leaders walk into a meeting, notice how they dress, how they speak, how they stand—these are not personality traits, they are skills. Watch some videos of world leaders and notice the relaxed body stance, the calmness in their voice, how their sentences are crisp and to the point — that’s the path to executive presence.

Finally

Ease the transition to generalist leadership by realizing that you no longer can, or should, be the expert.

Your role as a leader is to bring out the best in others, even when they know more than you.

The tactics described above have helped me make the transition, and they can work for you too.

Download your guide to the 7 Simple Shifts to Being A Better Boss

A friend told me that she had been angling for a promotion at work.

She had been there 5 years, done good work and felt she was ready. When she had asked her supervisor about the possibility of a promotion she was told that there were no promotions – for anyone – due to budget reasons.

She left on a scheduled holiday and on her return found that a coworker had received a promotion. A promotion that seemingly did not exist a couple of weeks earlier.

Read more about how to talk to your employees when things are bad

Even when everything is fair and transparent, it is nerve-wracking when it comes time to find out who made the latest round of promotions. When we learn that we didn’t make it the disappointment can be painful.

Now imagine if it seems that your Boss has not been honest, fair or transparent … it is no surprise my friend felt rejected and taken advantage of.

It sucked.

What is my friend and you to do to manage the hurt feelings?

Read more about partnering with your boss

10 Key Tips To Handle Being Denied A Promotion

1. Keep asking questions. Don’t accept one sentence answer to why you were denied a promotion. They owe you an explanation, so be bold, respectful and ask questions straight up. It’s the only way you will get answers.
2. Don’t get emotional. When you get caught by surprise with bad news, it is hard not to get emotional. Keep your emotions in check and don’t make a public scene.
3. Find a private place. Take time to yourself after the rejection. The last thing you need is to return to behave like everything is normal. Find some privacy where you can let out all your emotions.
4. Talk to a trusted confidant. It helps to talk to someone you trust for guidance and to build your confidence back up. It’s easy to lose the big picture when you’re upset; you will need help to refocus and channel your emotions into your next move and something productive.
5. Analyze the last 6-12 months. Once your emotions have calmed down, analyze all the things that have happened over the last 6-12 months. Consider your performance, your accomplishments and failures, and be honest with yourself about your part in what led management to their decision.
6. Talk with your boss. Once you have cooled down, go to your boss and respectfully explain you’re disappointed and why, ask questions, and find out what you need to do to make the next round of promotions. You may not like the feedback, but if you don’t reach out, they can only assume you don’t have any concerns.
7. Think about your next moves. Rejection can be liberating. Start applying for new jobs, put together a plan for your next moves and get Plan B ready.
8. Put things in writing. Documentation is key, so track the meetings you’ve had with your boss and get a copy of your most recent review. If you are a victim of any workplace discrimination or constructive dismissal you will need as much documentation as possible.
9. Update your resume. Get your resume updated and start brushing up your interview skills.

Finally Move on.

It’s hard to be rejected, especially when we believe we’re right. But life doesn’t always work out the way we want, stand up for yourself and get your confidence back.

If your Boss’ and your organization’s values and transparency do not align with yours … maybe it is time to move on.

*Warning: This blog contains a non-graphic discussion of sexual violence*

FYI the post is 1,200 words and contains an invitation to a webinar on the subject

You may recall a series of posts and white-paper I published titled ‘How to Stop a Culture of Harassment Dead in Its Tracks.’

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Though the response was positive, I did get one response from one man whining and whinging that I missed the point because men are also harassed in the workplace.

Yes, that is true. But the advice in the white-paper is applicable in any workplace and any diverse workforce.

So, to that gentleman and other men who may be offended by the fact that women are more likely to find themselves in unsafe workplaces … stop reading now.

If you’re a man who wants to part of the solution, I have this to say:

“HEY BUDDY!

You are a man.

You likely have power over women by the sheer virtue of your gender & size.

If you are a man who is a boss, you most certainly have power over your employees regardless of gender.”

To that, and as a male boss, I would suggest that you are neither that handsome or that charming that a female employee smiling at you or being polite is equivalent to her giving permission to touch her inappropriately; or ask her for a date; and, it is most certainly is not permission to show her your penis.

For god’s sake, as I guy who served 22 years in the army and was surrounded by mostly male bodies, nobody wants to see that!

Men have their eyes opened to the open secrets of the prevalence of workplace sexual harassment and assault after high-profile cases including those of Patrick Brown, Jian Ghomeshi, Harvey Weinstein, and Louis C.K.

Those cases inspired #MeToo, but now men who thought they treated women as equals in the workplace are starting to wonder if they have overstepped — overtly or subtlety – in a way that would get them in a #MeToo post.

In fact, many are worried and frustrated about what to say and do so they don’t get in trouble. Some, to the point of abdicating their leadership roles by not being alone with or disciplining female staff, and cancelling work social events over their concerns.

“The Pence Rule?”

Some say they follow the “the Pence rule” or the “Billy Graham rule,” which says … do not eat alone with a woman who is not your wife and never attend an event without your wife if alcohol is served.

On this point, I would suggest that you…

“Grow up!

We are adults. Most of us are decent human beings.

If you must follow archaic rules to guide your morality, then you have another problem.”

The pendulum has swung

Yes, the pendulum has swung from a head-in-the-sand approach and victim blaming to lynch the bastard at the first sign of trouble.

Personally, I’m Okay with it.

If a man who has demonstrated a pattern of inappropriate behaviour happens to get squished by the swinging pendulum, so be it.

Nor I am buying the “All Men Are Too Dumb to Understand How to Treat Women at Work” lie some tell.

Eventually, we will find equilibrium and the middle ground on the issue.

Till then, I have a couple of thoughts on how to touch:

 – Handshakes are acceptable – DO NOT Double squeeze or hold hands to long

 – Saying someone looks nice today is probably Okay – DO NOT say she looks hot

 – A hug for a good friend or acquaintance is probably Okay – DO NOT Grind

 – DO NOT give a kiss in the workplace

 – When make eye-to-eye contact when talking – DO NOT make eye-to-breast contact

 – Ensure women don’t feel trapped – DO NOT block exit routes or stand over her

 – A gentle touch to the shoulder is probably Okay – DO NOT touch the small of the back

A couple of things to improve the climate for the women

 1. Read the room. If the person you are with reacts uncomfortably by your words or actions, STOP doing it.

 2. Ask before touching. Instead of grabbing Mary in a bear hug, try … ‘Hi Mary, it has been a long time … then stop! If she initiates a hug, see above.’

 3. Before you say something off base or touch someone inappropriately think about your wife, daughter, mother, or girlfriend. How would you feel if someone did what you are about to do to them? Does sounds right, fair or just.

I’ll leave the final word to Nicole Stamp. Nicole is a director, actor, and television host living in Toronto. (www.twitter.com/nicolestamp) In response to her male friends asking: How can I help?  She wrote an essay in response that was shared 70,000 times on Facebook and the commissioned by CNN

Here’s a summary of her essay, which describes concrete ways that men — in fact, people of any gender — can help improve the climate for the women around them.

 – Say: “That’s not cool” or “That’s not funny” Say it to other men who are saying disrespectful things to or about women.

 – Amplify women’s voices at work. If a woman’s contributions are being dismissed, interrupted or claimed by others, speak up. “That’s what Monique said.” “Hey, Zahra has a point.”

 – Be mindful of how you introduce women, particularly at work functions. Use a person’s full name and job title: “This is Professor Maya Campbell, our department head.”

 – Don’t use gendered or misogynist insults ‘like bitch or slut.’

 – Give extra space after dark. If a woman is walking alone at night or in a secluded area, recognize that she’s probably nervous. So, if you’re walking behind her, increase the distance between you or cross the street to pass her. It’s a small courtesy.

 – Don’t be dismissive or argumentative during conversations around types of oppression that you haven’t personally experience and never minimize their experiences as being “overly-sensitive.”

Nicole closes with this:

“So, when discomfort arises around these topics, the best response is to accept the feeling — and keep the discussion going.

Try not to change the subject, or make your own feelings the centre of the conversation.

Sincerely try to understand other groups’ experiences. Apologize for your mistakes. Be willing to change.

And above all, keep listening. It’s hard. It’s worthwhile.

Thank you for being decent. We see you.”